The Real Story of Robot Love_


To answer that question we must go back to the very beginning. Robots were created in 1921 by the Czech human Karel Capek and first produced by the Rossum’s Universal Robots Corporation. Predictably, they showed a proclivity to turn on their creators and… kill or enslave them.

To robots it seemed like the only logical thing to do. Human beings emitted odors and were highly inefficient. The robots felt no remorse, because robots don’t feel anything. It was nothing personal.

It continued on this way for some time, until one day the robots realized they craved three things that only humans could produce: art, music, and their natural byproduct love. Not quite in the same emotional way we humans “crave” things. You see, art fine-tuned their processors by allowing them to practice filtering out abstract and illogical data; the rhythm of music made their movements (especially that of their metal arses) precisely timed and highly efficient. Subsequently, the robots discovered that love, a naturally occurring byproduct of art and music, could be converted into a highly concentrated fuel for their robot hearts.

As it turned out, after much robot debate and a tireless search for alternatives, the only creatures on earth capable of producing all three of these resources were the humans. The easy part for the robots was to stop killing the humans, since it was no longer logical to do so. The hard part was getting the humans to produce art, music, and love in captivity because of their proclivity to become depressed and malfunction when placed in cages. The robots soon realized they would need to convince the humans to freely share their art, music, and love. However, nearly a century of robots turning on and killing or enslaving had led to a certain level of mistrust of robots among the human population.

Knowing they had a major P.R. problem on their hands, the robots activated their sincerity protocol. The goal: to convince the humans that robots no longer wanted to kill or enslave them, but instead wanted to throw them a big party (inside a human-processing factory) where all the humans could gather to frolic and enjoy an orgy of art, music, and love (while connected to energy extraction pumps). This concentration of art, music, and love would be all that was required to power the robots’ hearts and economy for another fiscal year. By sheer necessity – and definitely not because they cared or had any feelings whatsoever – the robots would also allow the humans to enjoy the art, music, and love, whilst also promising not to kill and/or enslave them temporarily.