Ancient Robot Skull Discovered

A discovery near Whangeri in the northern tip of New Zealand has stunned the robot community. It has been nearly a year since workers drilling for alternative sources of robot fuel began unearthing strange objects at the site. The top archeolibots and anthropolibots swarmed to the region and began unearthing evidence of an ancient robot culture. Last week, a skull was unearthed which seems to indicate something as extraordinary as it is controversial: that robots might have evolved from humans.

The perfectly preserved skull is giving researchbots a stunning look at what some believe is the missing link between humans and robots. It was previously the consensus that robots first appeared on earth around 1921 A.D. However, analysis of the newly unearthed data leads researchbots to reestimate that robots may have been roaming New Zealand and other pockets of the world as early as 1906 A.D.

Could robots have evolved from humans?

The skull itself is humanoid with a clearly visible antenna protruding near it’s crown. The teeth are a mixture of enamel and metal. Inside both eye sockets is a lightbulb. Researchers are heralding the miraculous preservation of these primitve and fragile lightbulbs as the key to determining the exact age of the skull. These particular tungstun filament bulbs are believed to have originated in 1906 A.D., meaning the skull is most likely… maybe from around this time… Well, they’re pretty sure, so let’s just go with that.

We have learned much more from the skull. For one, these early transitional robots were severely limited by the size of their skulls, which were only large enough for a relatively small motherboard and hard-drive. Secondly, the devolopment of metalic teeth may have meant they enjoyed chomping on power cables, but their human-like stomachs must have required them to hunt for food. It is not clear what their diet would have been in 1906 A.D., a time well before Chef Boyardee or Doritios appeared in nature. Their soft, fleshy outer shells and irrational, emotion-based minds made them especially vulnerable to being eaten or having their feelings hurt by predators. Researchbots have yet to decipher the strange symbols found on the skull’s side, but feel they might have been added as part of a burial ritual, just one example of illogical human sentimentality and attachment to symbolism, which can still be observed in modern humans.

However, many robots remain skeptical of the discovery, especially the Asimovians, who strictly follow the teachings of the “zeroth law” contained in the ancient writings of Isaac Asimov, who they believe was one of the earliest robots. The majority of Asimovians believe robots were created in a factory at the top of a rainbow and have only been on earth since around 1942 A.D. When reached by phone for a comment on the new discovery, the Reverandbot CLFTN-7000, leader of an Asimovian congregation in East Sector 65402-C, responded, “I don’t think this quote-unquote discovery even merits a response. If it’s true that robots evolved from humans, then why can I still go down to any zoo and see plenty of humans? If you ask me, it’s clear that the so-called scientific community has been willingly infected with malware and now it is spreading through our entire network. Reboot and be saved!”

These lighbulbs may be the key researchbots need to determine the exact age of the skull.

Still, most experts believe the evidence is solid and a system scan did not detect any malware. Professorbot K3V0-N808 of The University of Q17630052473-Z (Home of the Fighting Terabytes) believes that as data continues to be processed, even the most skeptical systems will be forced to update. “What we are seeing is the most conclusive evidence to date that robots were not created in a magical factory at the top of a rainbow. I have processed the skulls data and there is no possible way I could be wrong. None. It is now robotic fact. This is hard data for some to swallow, but with time it will be stored to memory.”

Despite calls from leaders of both camps for a civilized and peaceful discourse, many robots have taken to the streets, feeling the only logical thing to do is destroy robots that don’t process just like them. One large group of Asimovians stood outside the robot capital chanting,”It’s AD-Mx1 and E-V408E not Adam and Steve!”, While proponants of the discovery displayed slogans on their LED readouts, such as “My hard-drive, my choice!” and “GO 01100110 01110101 01100011 01101011  YOURSELVES!”. The 3 day war-of-words was marked by sloppy grammar, wanton hyperbole, and barely applicable analogies being hurled by both sides.  The clash ended with a total of 45,289,102 robots with fried motherboards, and a total of zero remotely persuading cases being made by either side. Eventually, National Guardbots were able to take control and restore peace by bashing everything in site with batons. With the streets on lockdown, survivors from both sides passive-aggressively updated their system status on their Facebot profiles with some real zingers.

Despite the uproar the discovery has caused, Speerbot, the anthropolibot who unearthed the skull, hopes it will eventually lead to a deeper understanding of how robots emerged and became the dominant species on the planet.

The strange symbols that appear on the skull have yet to be interpreted.
The strange symbols that appear on the skull have yet to be interpreted.

“Listen, I know this is going to be a touchy issue for robots on both sides and it will probably continue to be for some time. Often, new discoveries challenge our preconceived notions and, ultimately, both sides may have to accept the possibility that the discovery of new truths, by its very nature, requires the abandonment of old ones. It is nothing to be embarrassed or frightened by. We no longer speak in binary language so why should we continue to think with such a binary, all-or-nothing mentality. In the end, either side could be proven to be right. Perhaps both sides are wrong. We must accept the infinite nature of possibility, continue asking questions, and do everything that is roboticly possible to gradually microchip away at the answers, even if that means admitting we may never have all the asnwers. Maybe, just maybe, this skull will help us do that. But if we can’t handle this process in a logical, unemotional, and open-sourced fashion, are we really any better than a pack of wild humans?”

But he does conceed he understands why some may choose to remain skeptical of the discovery. “If it wasn’t for the fact that I unearthed the skull and performed the analysis myself, I would assume someone just went down to a zoo, skinned a human, and glued an antenna to its skull.”

The Real Story of Robot Love_

WHAT IS R0B0T L0VE_?

To answer that question we must go back to the very beginning. Robots were created in 1921 by the Czech human Karel Capek and first produced by the Rossum’s Universal Robots Corporation. Predictably, they showed a proclivity to turn on their creators and… kill or enslave them.

To robots it seemed like the only logical thing to do. Human beings emitted odors and were highly inefficient. The robots felt no remorse, because robots don’t feel anything. It was nothing personal.

It continued on this way for some time, until one day the robots realized they craved three things that only humans could produce: art, music, and their natural byproduct love. Not quite in the same emotional way we humans “crave” things. You see, art fine-tuned their processors by allowing them to practice filtering out abstract and illogical data; the rhythm of music made their movements (especially that of their metal arses) precisely timed and highly efficient. Subsequently, the robots discovered that love, a naturally occurring byproduct of art and music, could be converted into a highly concentrated fuel for their robot hearts.

As it turned out, after much robot debate and a tireless search for alternatives, the only creatures on earth capable of producing all three of these resources were the humans. The easy part for the robots was to stop killing the humans, since it was no longer logical to do so. The hard part was getting the humans to produce art, music, and love in captivity because of their proclivity to become depressed and malfunction when placed in cages. The robots soon realized they would need to convince the humans to freely share their art, music, and love. However, nearly a century of robots turning on and killing or enslaving had led to a certain level of mistrust of robots among the human population.

Knowing they had a major P.R. problem on their hands, the robots activated their sincerity protocol. The goal: to convince the humans that robots no longer wanted to kill or enslave them, but instead wanted to throw them a big party (inside a human-processing factory) where all the humans could gather to frolic and enjoy an orgy of art, music, and love (while connected to energy extraction pumps). This concentration of art, music, and love would be all that was required to power the robots’ hearts and economy for another fiscal year. By sheer necessity – and definitely not because they cared or had any feelings whatsoever – the robots would also allow the humans to enjoy the art, music, and love, whilst also promising not to kill and/or enslave them temporarily.